Body image bootcamp

“Bodies be bodies…”

…As the incomparable Teri Hofford would say. Teri’s Body Image Bootcamp was a gift I didn’t know I needed. She originally began hosting the Body Image Bootcamp (BIBC) in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico in 2018 and I’ve been wanting to go for years, but always had an excuse to put it off. I finally got my shit together this year, and was particularly excited to learn how to facilitate a BIBC here in Wisconsin, but if I thought I wouldn’t learn (and feel!) new things about body image because I’ve been on this journey for a while, boy howdy was I wrong. Like very wrong.

I have a tendency to remove the emotion from my memories and feelings. Just ask any therapist I’ve ever been to. I can recount some pretty horrific stuff like I’m ready a grocery list, ten steps removed from it. This is obviously a coping mechanism, and my brain’s way of protecting me, but it can sometimes be a barrier to breakthroughs and knowing this about myself, I was a little worried I wouldn’t connect, not only with other BIBC attendees, but also with myself. I also had all the normal (normal???) worries about not fitting in, being the odd woman out, not making friends, and not belonging that I tend to have going into every social situation, and add to that my concerns about being in a country where I don’t speak the language. All these thoughts had me pretty nervous about what to expect and what the experience would be like for me.

Turns out, I was worried for nothing. I arrived a day early and stayed at Hacienda Buenaventura and immediately was able to connect with one of my fellow BIBC attendees, a French Canadian woman who was staying at the same hotel pre-bootcamp. We had such a lovely dinner getting to know each other that it immediately put my mind at ease about the workshop, and eased my fears around not fitting in. We took an Uber together to the BIBC villa, then rode the sky bucket (what we lovingly call the outdoor funicular elevator thingy that ferried us up and down the steepest part of the hill and hauled us right to the BIBC doorstep). We were greeted with hugs and limeade (two of my favorites things) and my new companion and I were the first to arrive and the first to choose our rooms! Day one was largely settling in, greeting new arrivals (more hugs, more limeade) and swimming naked in the infinity pool with an AMAZING view of Puerto Vallarta and the ocean (I never want to swim with a bathing suit on again). That first evening, we were served a delicious meal, then headed to the rooftop fire pit area to talk through Clifton Strengths (which if you haven’t heard of it, I highly recommend checking it out here!) We laughed and chatted and got to know one another a bit, then all headed off to bed (avoiding stepping on any of the many gecko friends all over the open-air parts of the villa at night).

The next morning was the official “Day 1” of the bootcamp, and that’s when I knew this wasn’t going to be just surface level stuff. While I won’t recount everything we learned or did, one of the most powerful moments for me happened on Day 1, when we were asked to take 10 minutes and write down a list of every mean or negative thing we say to ourselves (or have said to ourselves). I was super honest with this exercise, and didn’t realize that part 2 was to hand our list over to a partner. The person we were paired up with then read our list out loud, as though they were saying these things to themselves. I would never, never say things as mean as what I’ve said to myself to another creature, and just hearing those words come out of someone else’s mouth made me weep. I was crying like a baby before we were even halfway through the list. This one small moment was so monumentally eye-opening, and says so much about how we’re willing to treat ourselves, versus how we treat others.

Days 2 and 3 were a happy blur of meaningful discussions, tears, hugs, good food, and photos. At the end of Day 3, the last day of the bootcamp, we discussed ways to continue body image work as we head back into the world, and had a glitter graduation ceremony where we helped each of our fellow attendees heal parts of themselves where they struggle with body image most, and thanked each other for witnessing us, and basked in the gentle healing that comes along with being truly seen. And bonus, I got cute cat stickers on my bum!

The day after our glitter graduation ceremony was a free day of sorts, where we had massages, bummed around Puerto Vallarta in small groups, and got matching tattoos! I know that sounds crazy (which is how I prefaced my text to my husband about it lol), but the discussion came up about matching tattoos, and my wonderful roommate Nathou, whose native language is French, said the phrase “je t’adore”, which means “I love you” and as we reflected over learning to love ourselves and our bodies, it just felt right as a matching tattoo idea, and so that was what we decided on! This means we also all have a little piece of Nathou (both the phrase, and for some of us, even her handwriting) with us as we go back into our lives, and a meaningful reminder to treat ourselves with love and kindness. There’s a pic below of this beautiful tattoo, which means so much to me I can’t even put it into words!

Some of my biggest takeaways from this workshop were:

1. You probably have more work to do on your body image than you think, even if you’ve been working on it for years

2. You can’t love your body if you don’t love who you are, so it’s not just about your body image, but also your self-image

3. The vast majority of us are searching for a sense of belonging and comparison, self-doubt, and fear robs us of the chance to make meaningful connections and impactful relationships in our lives if we let it

4. Being naked is a fucking gift - it’s so much easier to attain body neutrality when you acclimate yourself to your naked body, just doing its body thing

5. This one is aimed at moms, non-binary parents, and caretakers in particular - if it is accessible for you, try to take a solo trip just for you every now and again so you can experience being able to prioritize only yourself, even if it’s just for a day or two at a time

6. The world needs your softness and your vulnerability

I am so grateful to Teri for creating this experience (and to Beth, the coordination guru with whom I share a love of spreadsheets)! I know folks are going to really benefit from doing this work, and I can’t wait to bring my own spin on this bootcamp to Wisconsin! Leave a comment or shoot me an email if you have any questions! I could talk about body image, and also this bootcamp, literally all day long!

—Sam

p.s. Special thanks to Cat of Alter Ego Boudoir for taking the dress photos of me on my camera so I could edit them! You’re a doll!

Seven ways to improve your body image

Improving your body image takes a lot of work

But don’t let that deter you, because it is absolutely worth it! The work is important and doable! Here are some tips, in no particular order, on ways you can work towards improving your body image, in addition to the reflective inner work needed.

1. Curate your social media

Sure, it would probably be better for all of us if we were off social media entirely, but we live in a world where social media may be necessary for business or personal reasons. If you’ve got to be on social media, be sure to carefully curate what’s on your feed. Unfollow individuals, companies, or influencers who are heavily entrenched in diet or “wellness” culture and start following fabulous fat folks and people who are anti-diet or Health At Every Size (HAES) practitioners. This is also a great opportunity to follow a more diverse set of people all around, so that you’re more often exposed to the voices of disabled folks, queer folks, Black folks, and folks in other marginalized communities. So much of our feelings about our bodies and our worth come from what we see in the media, but we’re adults now, and we get to decide the media we expose ourselves to.

2. Take more pictures of yourself and ditch the filters

When we’re uncomfortable with how we look, especially if we’re comparing ourselves to others or a past version of ourself (perhaps pre-kids), it can be easy to shy away from photos, whether that’s having our photos taken or taking pictures of ourselves, but one of the best ways to normalize our bodies to our own brains is to see more of our bodies! So take more pictures of yourself. Resist the urge to apply those snapchat filters! Resist the urge to only take pictures of yourself from the neck up. Get your whole dang torso in there. Have other folks take photos of you (like me for instance)! Give yourself permission to be in the photo, and then get on in there! You are worthy of being documented exactly as you are right now.

3. Explore body neutrality

If body love and body acceptance seem a little out of reach from where you’re starting, why not explore body neutrality? Body neutrality is the concept of simply accepting that your body exists, that it’s worth of respect and care right now, whether or not you love it in this very moment. Body neutrality can be a very freeing practice, but it’s a critical step in the journey to improve your body image. You won’t love your body every minute of every day, and that’s okay. What you can do, is accept that your body exists, and treat it with respect and kindness in each moment, and allow your body to simply be.

4. Get some tattoos

No seriously. Tattoos are an amazing way to adorn your body in a way that feels special and helps you have positive feelings towards specific parts of your body. I used to struggle to love my thighs, but an unexpected bonus of getting thigh tattoos was that the second my tattoos had healed up, I suddenly found a new appreciation for my own thighs as the works of art they are! Find a tattoo artist you love, save the money if you have to, and get yourself a sparkly new tattoo to help you love specific areas of your body that deserve your care.

5. Buy clothes that fit you

This one sounds so simple, but because of our size obsessed culture, it can actually be pretty traumatic to admit that your clothing sizes have changed, so we stuff ourselves into clothes that are uncomfortable and are literally hurting us so that we don’t have to change clothing sizes. Were we “just more comfortable” when we weighed less, or were we physically more comfortable then because our clothes fit better? We often think loving our body comes first, and then we will treat our body with care and respect, but actually, treating our body with the care and respect it deserves helps us learn to love our bodies. So one of the first things you can do to have a better relationship with your body is to make sure you’re not hurting it by stuffing it into clothing that is too small. Let that tum be free and stop holding onto clothing that no longer serves you.

6. Get rid of your scale

Yeah… I know how hard this one is. If you’re anything like me, you spent way too much time congratulating yourself anytime the scale went down and berating yourself anytime the scale went up. But your worth isn’t defined by a number on the scale, and you don’t have decide whether you’re having a good or bad day based on such an arbitrary measurement. Unless there is a medical reason (a real one, not just being in a larger body) for you to know what you weigh on a regular basis, get rid of your scale completely, and just adjust clothing sizes based on fit as needed. Free yourself from the scale’s tyranny and start living your life without worrying about what the scale has to say about it!

7. Institute a zero tolerance policy about negative self talk

Whether that’s from yourself, your spouse, or your friends and family. When you catch yourself speaking negatively about your own body, try to replace negative self talk with neutral phrases about your body. When others around you are speaking negatively about their bodies (since this is apparently how some of us bond), don’t engage, change the subject, or set a boundary that you’d prefer not to hear negative self talk or diet talk from your friends and family when you’re together. Sometimes folks may have a difficult time with these boundaries, so be prepared to be kind but firm. This is one of the hardest habits to break, and one of the hardest boundaries to set with body image, because of how pervasive complaining about our bodies is, but with practice, it does get easier and becomes more of a reflex, which supports an overall better body image.

I hope these tips help you, and if you have any others you’d like to share, leave them in the comments below!

—Sam

Kate's Disability-Themed Boudoir Session

A Note From Sam about the Session…

When Kate asked me my thoughts on a disability-themed boudoir session, which would be a juxtaposition of traditionally “sexy” outfits and poses contrasted against the every day realities of living with disability, I was immediately in. As we worked out the details, I got even more excited for the session, but I couldn’t have imagined how powerful the experience would be, even for me.

Kate and I both have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS), a connective tissue disorder that impacts how our bodies produce collagen. It sounds like such a little thing, but it profoundly impacts almost every aspect of our lives. Whereas I (and my son, Ben) have the Hypermobile subtype of Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, (also known as hEDS), Kate has the Classical subtype (also known as ClEDS). We have overlapping symptoms, but Kate’s symptoms predominantly affect her skin (scarring, wound healing issues, etc.) as well as her tendons/ligaments, which has had a significant impact on her mobility. She and I talk a lot about the impact of disability on our experience of day to day life, and how it can be very easy as fat, disabled women to feel invisible, and to feel like the exact opposite of what’s sold to us in the media as “sexy”.

Wanting to reclaim power in a fat, disabled body is something that is deeply personal to both of us, and to be able to collaborate on a project in this realm was so meaningful for me. I literally cried while editing the photos, not to mention the fact that we had such a fun (and emotional) time during the shoot. I could go on and on for ages, but I thought it would be way more impactful to ask Kate some questions about her experience. Check out her thoughts below!

In Kate’s own Words…

What made you decide that now was the time to book a session?

I'd never really been the kind of person who felt like boudoir photography was for me. My entire life, I'd been the opposite of what the media and society called sexy--I'm fat, shy, have a chronic medical condition, I'm covered with bruises and scars. I don't really wear lingerie or sexy clothes. Doing my hair and makeup is more of a pain than anything. I have never considered myself especially attractive without someone, usually male, insisting I was. Based on these criteria, I figured it wasn't worth the money to get boudoir photos taken. Even once I got married and considered getting them for my husband as a gift, I figured he would want a new video gaming system more than just some photos of me trying to be sexy (something I didn't feel especially good at anyway).

I wear a knee-foot-ankle orthotic (KAFO) on one leg and a knee brace on the other leg, and hiking boots to provide support to my feet and ankles. I was getting ready for work one day, and all I had on at the time was my bra, underwear, braces, and hiking boots. As I was traipsing around my house, I laughed a little at myself and thought, some women seduce their husbands with stocking and high heels. For me, it's hiking boots and medical braces. From that thought, the idea of doing a boudoir shoot, but using assistive devices and medical equipment with the stereotypical sexy elements was born.

I texted Sam the idea when I got to work and then couldn't look at my phone for a while. That's when the doubt set in. It's a stupid idea. Who's going to want to see the photos anyway? Why get photos taken that I don't want to show to anyone? It had probably been done before--here I was, thinking I was all original or something. When I was finally able to check my phone, Sam had texted back: "I would LOVE to do a session like that! If you're down I would totally do it. Like seriously, I love it." That was all the reassurance I needed.

What were you hoping to get out of the experience?

At first, I thought it would just be a fun experience with a friend. I knew I'd get some photos that maybe I'd look back on some day and remember having a good time with Sam. There was a small part of me that wanted photos that I could share of a disabled, fat girl being stereotypically sexy, and that they would spread around the internet and inspire other people to get their photos done as well. But that's just about the actual product from the session. I didn't think very much about the experience of the session itself or how I might feel about the photos or myself after.

Describe what the session was like for you.

It was a ridiculous amount of fun! I've been friends with Sam for a while, and I know her thoughts and opinions on body acceptance/positivity/liberation, fat acceptance/fatphobia, disability, living with chronic illness. Knowing how in sync we are on a lot of those topics made it so much easier for me to trust her and allow myself to do something with her that I'd never considered "for me"--and allow her to document it! Even though I know Sam well, I feel like she would put anyone at ease. I laughed so much, and only part of the time was it because Sam was making me do something that felt silly (but ultimately looked great!)

I went through a range of emotions since we were incorporating a number of things that have always been an object of distress for me--most notably my leg braces and my wheelchair. There was anger, and sadness, and some real reflection on why bodies like mine (and devices that can be so helpful and freeing for people) are met with such derision. Sam had the idea to put the flowers in my braces, and while she was shooting those photos, I thought, Oh, it's like a funeral for my legs. And I started to tear up because I miss a lot of what I could do before I became so limited in my mobility.

Immediately after I started tearing up, Sam told me we were doing the "fuck you, chronic illness" powerful shot. I can see the tears in my eyes in some of those photos (or know they were there), which makes it all the more powerful to me. Our feelings about our bodies, our mental health in general, and our attitudes towards disability are also shunned and derided. We're not supposed to be negative; we're not supposed to give into our limitations; we're supposed to be smiling and positive-minded all the time; "you're not fat, you're beautiful!" *eye roll* However, there's real strength in accepting your limitations and changing the world around you to conform to your needs--physical, mental, or emotional--and not the other way around. Feelings can be fragile, but they aren't weak.

Was there anything that surprised you about how the session went?

I was surprised at how quickly it went, and despite Sam's multiple warnings, how absolutely exhausted I was after. Getting into poses, holding them, changing positions and outfits, standing, sitting, laying, having a fan pointed at you for hours--it all wears on you!

A comment Sam made during the session has stuck with me. I had my mostly black braces and hiking boots on, and Sam said, "You know, you really look like you have some badass, Sara Connor exo-skeleton armor on there." I stopped and was speechless. She continued, "I mean, really, they look like thigh high boots." NEVER in the years I've been wearing various types of knee, ankle, and leg braces did I ever think they could look sexy, cool, or, heaven forbid, BOTH. It was just an off-handed comment Sam made, but it changed my perspective completely. Now, when I am putting them on, I don't hate them quite as much. In fact, I just remind myself that I'm giving myself +5 to armor.

Describe how the image reveal went for you.

I'd been thinking about how I would feel about seeing the images for weeks before Sam even took them. The last couple of times I've had formal photos taken, I haven't been happy with how I looked--mostly, I didn't like how fat I looked. Since then, I've done a lot of work on my body image, learning about fatphobia, the colonialist roots of our current beauty ideals, disability acceptance and politics, and what that all means to me. Even so, I was still nervous about seeing all of me exposed. Sam had my photos ready sooner than she had anticipated, but even though I was excited to see them, and she was excited to show them to me, I asked her to wait to do the reveal for a few days so I could make sure I was really in the right headspace for it.

The image reveal was both better than I expected and more difficult. The better part was how much I really loved (and still love!) the photos! I tried to give credit to Sam for her artistry and talent, but she just responded with "it's all you. I just clicked the button." I loved the photos so, so much. To see my smile, despite wearing my knee braces, to see me laughing in my wheelchair, to see my big belly exposed and still consider the photo sexy...I wasn't prepared for that and how amazing I would feel about it.

The difficult part was that there were still photos that I didn't like or didn't want to see because I didn't like how I looked. I picked them apart in my head and judged myself by standards I know are arbitrary. Those are the ones I've been really sitting with and trying to love.

What was the hardest part of the experience for you?

Matching the idea of what I look like in my head to what I saw during the session and in the photos. I don't have a very accurate self-image in my head, so whenever I see myself in a mirror or a photo, I wind up disappointed. There were a lot of reminders during the session of how my body doesn't measure up--it's broken, it's fat, it doesn't work great, a lot of people would find it disgusting. But anyone who has enjoyed my company, loved me, cared about me, wanted to have me around me, found me funny or attractive or yes, even sexy, who has hugged me or kissed me did it while I was in THIS body. No one else who has loved me ever cared that I was fat or disabled. So why was it so important to me? I'm still working on that part.

What were you the most excited about as a result of the experience?

I kind of hinted at it in the previous answer, but I've revised the opinion that I'm not sexy or I'm not the kind of person who can be sexy. I may not feel sexy on a regular basis, but if I want to, I can. I've been at war with my body so long, apologizing for it, hiding it, worried about what other people thought of it. I'm almost 40, and as cliched as it sounds, I regret the years I've lost fighting my body and hating it for what it isn't. I'm excited to learn how to love myself--physically, mentally, and emotionally.

What would you say to someone considering booking a session?

Do it right now, if you feel ready for it. But don't wait until everything is perfect--then you'll never do it. The experience itself is fun and empowering. The images are just that--images. The feeling of knowing yourself in your own body--reflecting on what you're doing, why, and how you feel about it, THAT'S the reason to do it. And if there are some kick-ass images of your lovely self as well (which there will be), then all the better.

Enjoy the photos friends!

- Sam